Wednesday, January 18, 2012

First World Problems #1: Why I have a love/hate relationship with Victoria's Secret

Although this may surprise you, it actually makes perfect sense; all of the ridiculously hot models you see gracing the pages of Victoria's Secret catalogs and posing on poster boards in their stores are hand picked by WOMEN. Yes, Victoria's Secret "Angels" are supposed to appeal to women, although they have clearly become household names because of horny boys/men who do "naked pictures of ____________" searches on their computers while their girlfriends or wives are asleep. And yes, I speak from personal experience. (Note to self, do not wake up at 2AM wanting a drink of water and randomly go into your husband's office to see what he's up to doing so late at night).

Victoria's Secret is right. I do want to look like their models. They have sex appeal. They look confident. They are airbrushed. Their breasts look fucking amazing. According to them, I CAN have those breasts if I buy their bras. So I do.

They're right. My breasts look really nice. I'm happy. My husband is certainly happy. I've even fooled several of my customers at the bar that I have implants.

The problem arises when I have to take off the bra. I remember in college a while back, I was hooking up with one of my boyfriends at the time, and in the heat of the moment, I took my bra off. He proceeded to tell me, "no, leave it on." WHAT? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? LEAVE IT ON? It's probably the equivalent of telling a guy that he has a small penis.

Dear Victoria's Secret: Although I have caved numerous times due to your impeccable marketing campaigns by purchasing hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of your bras, each time I have to take one off, I am immediately reminded that no matter how much money you spend on making your products look like they're going to solve all of my tank top, tee shirt and strapless dress problems, you have yet to design an ad campaign that makes women feel good about what they've got once the bra comes off. I resent you for this.

My husband will never do a google search for Adriana Lima again.

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